Stop Settling in Relationships

This introspective tool can help

Photo by Isaiah Rustad on Unsplash

I am firmly anti-settling. I see it as a profound source of suffering — in ways of living, careers, jobs, friendships and most prominently in romantic relationships.

Of course, it’s not a black and white issue. Sometimes settling is necessary for good reasons, but in a temporary fashion before moving on to something closer to ideal.

The costs of settling are also proportionate to the risk. I’ll settle for a mediocre meal because the risk and cost is slim. However, when it comes to long term relationships or life partners, there is huge risk and cost that comes with settling.

I’ve seen this in my own life in a marriage that quickly resulted in divorce and other long-term relationships. The cost was misery, feeling trapped, inauthentic and loss of the one truly scarce resource–time.

The reason for suffering is that settling is motivated by fear.

Fear that you won’t find someone better. Fear your biological clock is about to run out of time. Or maybe fear of being alone.

(Side note–if this last one is you, then you’ll probably want to spend time learning how to be in a loving relationship with yourself before looking for it externally. The self-love void can never be satisfied by someone else. I believe this is a universal truth.)

I have found that when fear is my motive for making a decision, the outcome is never good. I’ve set myself up for failure. I’ve decided to lock myself in a jail cell.

I’ve said “no” to the part of myself that was asking for more.

I believe that’s what kills our souls. On the contrary, when my decisions are motivated by love–love for myself, others, the planet, etc. I feel freedom, peace and joy because I’m validating what my deepest self is telling me matters. I’m validating my self-worth.

That’s why it’s important to put time and effort into validating my needs by determining relationship ideals. By knowing what I’m looking for and what I’m bringing to the table, I have confidence I’ll spot it when it arrives, and maybe even more importantly, I’ll be able to quickly and with little harm to myself and others say “no” to all the prospects that aren’t compatible.

The relationship ideals exercise consists of three writing prompts:

1. What do I ideally bring to my relationship(s)?
2. What does/do my partner(s) ideally bring to my relationship(s)?
3. What does/do my ideal relationship(s) look like?

The key is to sit with yourself, reflect, dig deep and get specific. I can’t overemphasize the importance of specificity. Each of us are vast, complex individuals with unique wants and needs.

If you’re just looking for someone who’s “nice, smart and funny” that’s akin to looking for a car with a working engine, tires with tread and doors that open and close.

Almost any car can meet that criteria! That’s a ton of time wasted on browsing and test driving. And the truth is there are more elements involved in making the decision. You’ll be saving yourself volumes of time, energy and heartache by investing the time up front in these lists.

You probably wouldn’t hesitate to make this up-front investment for a car, home or anything you’re going to be spending a lot of money and time on, so think how much more important it is when looking for someone to spend years or your entire life with.

I’ll give a bit more guidance on how to go about writing each list followed by my most recent lists for example or inspiration.

What do I ideally bring to my relationship(s)?

This is about how you strive to show up in your relationships.

Ask yourself what behaviors and attitudes you engage in when you’re at your best or are proud of how you engaged with someone.

Actually think back on real interactions you’ve had that you feel good about. Maybe even ask a close friend who you trust and feel safe with for input.

A note on the word “ideal.” Baked into all these lists has to be the understanding that you cannot be all these things all the time. Imperfection is human nature.

But on the other hand, this shouldn’t be a fantasy of who you might be if all the stars aligned.

Think of this as a commitment to yourself.

For me, I am consciously aware that these ideals are who I want to be and I work to live mindfully so that I put them into practice as often as possible. I reflect on times when I don’t live up to them to try to learn how I could show up differently in the future.

Practice them now in all your interactions with friends, co-workers, strangers, even your pets!

The relationship has to start with you and accountability to yourself. It’s simply not fair to demand more of someone else than you demand of yourself.

Also, resist the tendency to make this about what you do. For lack of a better phrase, this list is how you be (h/t Earnest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham’s The Spirituality of Imperfection). Unlike how you might present yourself on social media, this is not about your career, activities, accolades or interests.

Of course commonalities in those categories can be important, but in my experience they don’t necessarily equate to the same set of values, nor inform how we engage with other people. You want to get deeper to the foundation of who you are.

What does/do my partner(s) ideally bring to my relationship(s)?

This is about how you want your partner(s) to show up in a relationship with you. Since shared values are a lot of what you’re seeking, there will likely be a lot of overlap with your list about you. But I wouldn’t start by copying and pasting it. Instead start by thinking back on past romantic relationships.

Ask yourself what made you feel loved, valued, respected. What made you feel unappreciated, disrespected, unseen? For the negative behaviors, try to articulate what the opposite, positive behavior would look like.

Don’t stop at romantic relationships either. A lot of the inspiration for my list came from how my closest friends treat me.

At this point in my life, I’ve done a better job of finding truly healthy, compatible friendships which have set a bar for what I know I deserve and should be from partners without having to fight or even ask for it.

What does (do) my ideal relationship(s) look like?

The relationship itself is like a third entity. The dynamic is created by and unique to the people in it. I know this question can be a bit squishy, but this energy is real, so it’s helpful to think about it separately from you and your partner(s).

Think about a relationship you really admire. It could be one of your friendships, your friends’ or family’s relationships, potentially fictional. Ask yourself what does that space, that co-mingling of energies look like?

For me, this is the shortest list, so don’t worry if it’s the same for you.

Final Guidance

These lists are not meant to be static. As you grow and learn more about yourself, your wants and needs, add, edit, and rewrite them.

The lists I’m sharing are my third pass in the past 2 years or so. My first time, I needed to think hard about myself and after a few relationships I added on. For this third list, I chose to start with a blank slate which for me produced more clarity and insight vs. just adding on to the original.

There’s a difference between healthy compromise and settling.

You may not find someone who checks every single box on your list. But you can more easily identify must-have vs. nice-to-have qualities, and not settling on those must-haves is what’s crucial.

Sometimes you may not know what matters most until you experience a quality, or the lack thereof, in a relationship, which to me is all part of the process.

There are no “failed relationships” if they teach you something.

Lastly, building on the above, the lists don’t need to be exhaustive. Think quality over quantity. The must-haves are what’s important to uncover.

I hope you find this tool as useful as I have. I’d love to hear any questions, stories, ideas, feelings, whatever in the comments.

Example Lists

1. Me

• Genuine interest in what makes my partner who they are–their history, perspective, feelings, interior life, interests, dreams.
• Undivided attention when we’re interacting.
• Openmindedness–“Investigation prior to contempt”
• Honesty–Overtly and by not being dishonest by omission.
• Integrity–I mean what I say and I say what I mean. My words and actions align.
• Authenticity–Bring my whole self.
• Acceptance–Expect their whole safe and not try to change them.
• Ask questions rather than make assumptions. Be intentional in ensuring we’re on the same page where misunderstanding could result in to one of us or the relationship.
• Empathy–Seek to understand, comfort and feel what they feel.
• Support their efforts and dreams regardless of my opinion, and disregarding self-seeking interests.
• Affirm them honestly and with as much grace as possible.
• Communicate what makes them attractive to me as I observe and experience it.
• Communicate my needs, not silently scorn in resentment.
• Cuddle the shit out of them.
• Be a generous sexual partner who’s open to trying new things.
• Be present during sexual acts and not hold back likes/dislikes in the moment.
• Put in effort in the right ways–sharing fears, having difficult conversations, pausing and stepping away, meeting them half-way, being proactive and willing to compromise (not on any firm boundaries though).
• Respect their personal freedom even when it means facing my own discomfort.
• My relationship with myself will come first. I can’t give what I don’t have after all.
• Let love and faith always guide my actions.
• Patience
• Kindness
• Not easily angered
• Am gentle
• Won’t “keep score” ie. see our relationship in a tit-for-tat way.
• Forgive and not use past transgressions as ammo in difficult conversations.
• Respect their wishes and boundaries.
• Foster vulnerability through both my disclosures and how I respond to their disclosures.
• A love for adventure, spontaneity, curiosity and novelty.
• Won’t try to force my designs for a relationship to happen. I’ll let us organically unfold.
• Expect them to change their mind and for their needs and wants to evolve.
• Work hard to maintain the relationship, but I will also let it go if it has run its course.
• Seek to differentiate sacrifice vs. compromise in my actions and support their efforts to do the same.
• Won’t try to “fix” them or their circumstances. I will ask if my advice or opinion is wanted before sharing it.
• Hope to inspire through living authentically even when it’s difficult or scary.
• Love for their pets.
• Love for the important people in their life.
• Put appropriate effort into being physically/aesthetically attractive to them.
• Flirt my ass off.
• Make them laugh.

2. Them

• Highly secure in themselves.
• Actions/attitudes that demonstrate a desire to build connection and emotional intimacy.
• Curiosity about who I am, my life both interior and exterior.
• Consistent effort to listen and communicate with intention.
• Courage to push through fears/walls and communicate about our relationship.
• Direct communication; not passive aggressive or manipulative.
• Qualities that I admire/can learn from in ways that compliment my strengths/weaknesses
• Organic desire to prioritize conversation about our interior lives
• Healthy awareness of their emotions and what they’re connected to
• Willingness to put real effort into the relationship, not just the bare minimum.
• Organically express desire for me.
• Share my core values–honesty, openmindedness, authenticity, patience, humility, trust, faith, awareness, kindness, tolerance, integrity.
• Push me to be the best version of myself.
• Appreciate my eccentricities.
• Organically communicate what they appreciate about me.
• Don’t yell.
• Aren’t quick to anger.
• Are gentle
• Care about my “love languages” and meeting my needs as I express them.
• Articulate their needs in a loving, non-demanding way.
• Have intimacy in other relationships/friendships. I’m not their only source of intimacy and support.
• Actively working on their spiritual, emotional and mental well-being.
• Put appropriate effort into being physically/aesthetically attractive to me.
• Considerate, not selfish/self-seeking
• Empathy–supportive of my feelings; doesn’t try to “fix” them or me.
• Supportive of my choices, goals and dreams regardless of their opinion or whether or not they suit them.
• Willing to be goofy and playful.
• Willing to be flirty in many contexts, not just when they want to be sexual.
• Perspectives, insights, experience different from my own.
• Would rather be happy than right.
• Generous and adventurous lover; don’t see pleasing me as an obligatory duty.
• Won’t “keep score” ie. see our relationship in a tit-for-tat way.
• Admit when they are wrong and forgive me when I’ve wronged them.
• Set healthy boundaries to take care of themselves first.
• Willing to see when perspectives/behaviors are sexist, patriarchal or otherwise prejudiced and make a change.
• Show up for our relationship in a consistent way.
• Shared interest in being good to all of humankind and the planet.
• Shared interests and passions, but also ones that are new to me.
• All-in, no half-assed, one-foot-in, one-foot-out.
• Likes or loves cats.
• Open to but not set on being a parent. Open to adoption and foster parenting.
• Desire to turn me on (and do it, of course).
• Make me laugh.
• Accepting and supportive of my polyamory practices.
• Respect my independence, capabilities and that I will ask for help if I need it.
• Perseverance–don’t just quit when we face challenges.
• Give without expectation of receiving in kind.
• An attitude of gratitude; but not toxic positivity or spiritual bypassing.

3. The Relationship

• The ultimate safe space. Vulnerability is always supported and cherished.
• Intimacy develops as a long string of twinkle lights; it isn’t “hotwired” (h/t Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly)
• Organically easy and comfortable.
• A space for undivided attention. If that isn’t possible we talk about it.
• A space that fosters learning, growing and healing.
• Expectations are set w/ each other.
• Interdependent. We do lots of things separately, our lives don’t revolve around the relationship.
• We can’t keep our hands off each other.
• Our sexual connection is omni-present just like humor. It doesn’t just come out in the figurative “bedroom.”
• We laugh deep belly laughs together.
• Not taken for granted.
• Magical.
• We “want the work more than the reward.” (h/t Jimmy Eat World’s “Love Never”)
• Not the status quo, the structure is defined by us.
• A reason for choosing to become life partners.
• A reason for choosing to parent.
• Inspires others not to settle.
• Spiritual seekers walking beside each other on the journey.
• Together we accomplish things we couldn’t on our own.
• A steady flame as opposed to fireworks.